I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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