I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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