Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
