dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i dont even know how to be here
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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