i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
