i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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