I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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