apparently the secret to your success is patron
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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