I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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