Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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