so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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