My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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