Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
