it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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