Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
