I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
