I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
