Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
