I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
