Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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