You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
