I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
