Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just googled if crying burns calories
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
