the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck