If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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