he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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