Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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