Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just had sex on a roof
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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