On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
