my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
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He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
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Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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