hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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