I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
