And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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