I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
