I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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