Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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