I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
