I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
