i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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