what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
