so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
