I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
