It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
