not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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