what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
