you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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