So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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