It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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