thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Less talking, more tequila
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
