So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
