I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize