I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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