i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
