I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
