My underwear smells like fireworks.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
How many fucks given?
0.12846
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
