the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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