Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Randomize
