Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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