You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
