My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
